This is the biggest question that i have asked myself all the time, why am i never happy????

I m 21 yrs old and feel that life isnt going anywhere for me at all at the mo, so what is the problem why am i never happy, i got a degree, great friends, family and a car to drive round. But why cant i be happy, one thing that i have learnt in life since being down here is that u can never run away from your problems even when i am down here i still think about it. People would love to be in my position, but why cant i find that happiness?????? So i ve been told i m a cheery person, i may look on the outside, but on the inside i m a living wreck.

I did this placement hoping to gain something but one thing i have learnt is that not everyone can be a nice person. For example the other day i met this girl called lucy and i got chatting to her and her friend was there. Coincidently i bumped into lucy and her friend again in Tesco and friendly offered them a lift a back but they declined. Funnily enough i was in a bar with a friend of mine and bumped into lucy's friend again but i totally forgot that it was her then i left my friend there because i wasnt enjoying it. My friend later told me that lucy's friend thought i was WEIRD!!!! She also went on to say that i went to Tesco on purpose just to offer them a lift that really took the piss!!! I had to do some shopping!!!

So i guess people arent as friendly down where i am. what really takes the piss is that people never want to hang around with u when u are down here, the excuse is that they are either busy or they never answer your text. U get their no. and they dont answer or anything that i feel is pathetic. Back home people use to ring me all the time and see what i was up to and my other friend use to force me to go clubbing, i miss that over here i find myself stuck in my room on most nights. I miss home so much, u fully apprieciate a lot more when u move away. I know it was who made the decision but i just dont want to give up. its not as easy as u think to live out especially when u dont have anything in common with people because u rnt studying. I have to take responsibility for decisions and act more mature about my decision.

I have met more assholes down here in one month then i have in my whole life at home. They are all plonkers....... that is what i feel they are, i only have made 2 or 3 genuine friends since i have been down here but the rest of them are all plonkers.......

U know all my friends asked my why i did this placement and to be honest with i just dont know. At first i did it to get away from something but now i know that where ever i go i will not be able to run, even now the problem is still bothering me. I think about it everyday. I was probably better off facing it at home!!!!!! my friend told me i would be better off confronting them. I feel that i will confront them at the end of the month because i dont i will never be able to move on.

I miss talking to my friends so much so that my phone bill is well over �50 every month because i call them. What am i doing here???? As u can see my confidence is always low, i dont know why??? i mean i worry about the smallest things.

Life was far more simpler between the age of 11-16 because i was doing my GCSE and that was all my focus was on but now things just seem so complicated as u get older because there will be more problems always arising.

I remember back at that age where i use to be able to have a lot of fun, fair enough i did use to fall out with a few friends because we take things a bit too seriously but overall i enjoyed my school days. It was simple jus go to lessons and come out for a break then go to more classes and then lunch time and playing footie round at the tennis courts where we use to play and then back to registration, then back to classes in the afternoon. Then go home and do homework and watch TV or go and play more footie. Those were the days, and we use to do stupid things like collect parkers pens and see who had the most, i remember that i once had about 10!!! so it was a bit of competition, we use to play chess as well, in fact i was the Man Utd of chess. i played for 3 yrs, in my first yr i was really shit i only won one game, then the 2nd yr i won championship. 3rd yr i did it. I was so good at it. My domination was reflected in my play, i use to go for the Queen and then once i got the queen then i would crush the player by taking all of their pieces when i could have got them in checkmate a long time before. If the opponent took my queen, oh boy i would absolutely crush them.

Me and my friend Andrew use to be top defenders, i remember a time when another guy we use play with use to say dont put those 2 in the same team because we were the ultimate defenders of the earth we should have been playing for England and Real Madrid. i use to be good with the tackles and Andrew use to be good in the air nevertheless we were both quick and strong. I use to be able to tackle the best player in the school Fletch, i was like the only one who could do it, thats why in five a side quite a few people were shocked when he picked me.

Footie use to be the top of the agenda but there were girls as well at the time. Back in sixth form i fell for a girl called Sammi, she was one of those who i had no chance with because she was one of the top girls that only the popular guys got to go with. She was a brunette with green eyes. I never really got chatting to her because i was too scared but if u asked me now i could do it no problem, i wrote a love letter to her as well, but that kind of back fired on me. Then there was Zena and wow that one really took the piss that was a real long story.

Sixth form was never the day i guess that was because all my old GCSE buddies all left and i was left with all the stuck up people apart from Andy, James and John, then uni came along n i had a good time, i never met so many nice people back there all my good friends i met in uni. I guess its not like it down here where i am because it seems that its the rich and brainy ones who seem to be coming to this uni!

So i guess this must be the longest blog i have ever written its the first one as well because i am that bored and down here at the mo. But who knows one day will have my day where i will be able to tell all those people who treated me like shit to all f**k off! I just want to leave a msg to Rhona if she does read this, i m not as strong as u think i am. I m a lot more weaker then u.....